


I Won't

by barbaXcarisi (barbaXbenson)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 19x08, Angst, Episode Tag, Kind of a fix it?, M/M, intent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2017-12-07
Packaged: 2019-02-11 16:20:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12939042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbaXbenson/pseuds/barbaXcarisi
Summary: “We were out drinking at this bar that, no lie, had freakin’ deer heads on the wall. You would have hated it. Anyway, we get in this fight.” He waved a hand when Rafael’s eyes widened. “It was fine. So we kick some ass, and we’re tipsy, and we go back to the motel and we’re standing there at her door and there’s something happening, you know?”Rafael sighed, running a hand over his forehead where he felt the beginnings of a headache. “Sonny, why are you telling me this?”The hurt in his voice was almost enough to make Sonny stop, but he couldn’t. He had to get this out. “And we’re leaning in and we both kind of just realize it’s a mistake. Nothing happened, but on my way back to my room all I can think about is how I wished it had been you.” Sonny looked at him, blue eyes full of longing. “I wished it was me and you, tipsy at some backwoods motel in the middle of nowhere, where no one knows us, where I could kiss you and it would just be between us.”





	I Won't

**Author's Note:**

> Episode tag for 19x08 - Intent. I see this taking place after the road trip and before the trial starts.

Rafael looked up at the knock on his door and frowned when he saw Carisi standing in the doorway, immediately going back to scribbling on his legal pad.

“Hey, you got a minute?”

“No.” Rafael didn’t even bother glancing up, but felt Sonny step into the room and heard him close the door behind him despite Rafael’s response. When Sonny just stood there, hovering near his desk, he huffed a sigh and dropped his pen. “What do you want?”

“I, uh, I almost kissed Rollins.” Sonny ran a hand over the back of his neck. “In West Virginia.”

“And why do you think that would be of any interest to me?” Rafael tried for unphased, but Sonny could tell by the set of his jaw that he was anything but.

“We were out drinking at this bar that, no lie, had freakin’ deer heads on the wall. You would have hated it. Anyway, we get in this fight.” He waved a hand when Rafael’s eyes widened. “It was fine. So we kick some ass, and we’re tipsy, and we go back to the motel and we’re standing there at her door and there’s something happening, you know?”

Rafael sighed, running a hand over his forehead where he felt the beginnings of a headache. “Sonny, why are you telling me this?”

The hurt in his voice was almost enough to make Sonny stop, but he couldn’t. He had to get this out. “And we’re leaning in and we both kind of just realize it’s a mistake. Nothing happened, but on my way back to my room all I can think about is how I wished it had been you.” Sonny looked at him, blue eyes full of longing. “I wished it was me and you, tipsy at some backwoods motel in the middle of nowhere, where no one knows us, where I could kiss you and it would just be between us.”

Rafael’s heart shattered all over again because even with this revelation, even with the knowledge that Sonny still cared for him, the root of the problem was still there. Sonny was still coming to terms with who he was and what it meant for his faith, what it would possibly mean for his family, for his standing in the department. He’d loved Rafael with everything he had as long as they were behind closed doors and for Rafael that hadn’t been enough.

“Sonny-”

“Please, just let me finish.” Sonny pleaded. “Please?”

And Rafael nodded because even after everything he couldn’t deny Sonny, not when he looked at him like that. “Fine.”

“And then the next morning I saw Buck the bartender - hand to God that was his name - coming out of her room and my first thought was she’ll sleep with a redneck named Buck, but she won’t sleep with me? Because, ya know, I do have some pride-”

“You realize you’re from Staten Island, right?” Rafael was unable to stop himself from falling into their old banter even if it just made it hurt worse. “I believe that’s a rung below West Virginia.”

Sonny rolled his eyes, but the smile that spread across his face betrayed his true feelings. “That’s bullshit, but we won’t get into that right now. Anyway, after I got over myself, I realized I was jealous and I couldn’t figure out why exactly, but then Amanda said something to me today. She said that she’s human and she has sex and sometimes it means something and sometimes it doesn’t and sometimes she’ll even sleep with someone who is a pain in the ass. I really related to that one.” He shot Barba a look.

Rafael ignored the jab. “What is your point?”

“My point is.” Sonny placed both hands on the back of one of Rafael’s visitor’s chairs, looking him in the eye. “I was jealous when I saw the bartender leaving, not because he got to sleep with her and I didn’t, but because they got to sleep with each other. People should be able to do what they want. They should be able to _be_ with who they want. And what I want is to be with you.”

“You’ve said that before.” Rafael’s tone was matter of fact.

It wasn’t exactly the reaction Sonny had been hoping for, but he didn’t let it discourage him. “And nothing’s changed. It’s still true.”

“And therein lies the problem.” He tapped a finger absentmindedly on his desktop, staring at the open file there to avoid looking at Sonny. “Nothing’s changed. And I told you, you have every right to do things your way, on your timeline, but I can’t be with someone who is ashamed to be with me.”

“Is that what you think?” Sonny came around the desk, sitting on the edge and taking Rafael’s hands between his own. “I could never be ashamed of you. I’m just...I’m just not ready to be out.”

“And that’s one hundred percent okay, but I dealt with all of that years ago and I’m proud of who I am and I want to be able to go out to dinner with the man I love, or drag him along to one of those ridiculous boring fundraisers that the DA is always forcing me to go to. I spent too much time sneaking around, hiding who I really was. I won’t do it anymore.”

“The man you love?” Sonny asked with hopeful eyes.

“Of course that’s all you got from that.” Rafael pulled his hand away, but his face softened. “And it was never a secret that I loved you, Sonny. I would have given you absolutely everything I had if you just would have let me.”

The sorrowful resignation in his tone was something Sonny had never heard from him and it broke his heart to know that he had caused it. “I want to, Raf. I want to so bad. It’s just so hard.” Tears glistened in his eyes and he stood, turning away in case they fell.

“I know it is.” Rafael said honestly. “And I know you’re doing what’s best for you, but I have to do what’s best for me. And those things happen to be very different.”

Taking a deep breath, making sure he had himself under control, Sonny turned back to face Rafael. “I’ll get there. I will.”

Rafael tilted his head, a soft smile on his lips. “I know.”

“And then we can give it another shot. You and me?” The hopefulness in his voice was almost enough to make Rafael say yes, to promise Sonny anything he wanted, but he had to be honest.

“I can’t promise you that,” he said softly instead.

“Right. Of course.” Sonny shook his head and an awkward silence fell between them. Finally, with nothing left to be said, Sonny took a deep breath. “Well, I, uh, I guess I’ll let you get back to work then.”

Rafael just gave him a short nod, picking up his pen.

At the door Sonny turned. “Don’t give up on me, Raf. Please.”

And even though Sonny was already gone, the blinds on the door swinging from where he’d closed it, Rafael replied softly. “I won’t.”


End file.
